Tuesday, January 09, 2007

A Movie So Bad You'll Want to Scream

What's that you say - scream over a movie????? Heck, it's even a horror movie so that shouldn't be a problem, right?

Wrong! This movie is so bad it makes me want to turn off the television and never, ever watch anything again. This movie is so bad it has probably scarred me from horror for a couple of weeks at least and I'm an avid horror fan - especially B horror movies!

The Movie: The Descent

If you thought you might ever watch this movie, then don't continue reading this review because I'm going to spoil the ending, well, and the middle and the beginning.

The premise - a group of longtime women friends who are into thrill-seeking adventures decide to go cave exploring. The leader of the gang who arranged the exploring decides to venture off the trodden path and instead leads them all into an unmapped (or named) set of caverns. They don't know until they're in and they can't go back up the way they came down. The only option is through. But if there's no record of a cave, how do you even know there's a through? And even if there is, how do you know you fit?

Anyway, of course horror ensues with some sort of cannibal creatures in the cave. They sort of resemble Gollum from Lord of the Rings but with a really bad attitude. It soon becomes apparent why the cave hasn't been traveled - or named - no one makes it out alive.

And no one still has. They all died there - every one of them. There was sort of a heroine. She was the one who's husband and daughter died in a car wreck at the beginning of the movie, so we kinda felt sorry for her. Turns out the bitch that booked this whole tunneling adventure was boinking her husband, though.

And we're left with widowed, childless old girl in the last scene in the cave, not even trying to get away, and apparently having lost her mind.

That's it. No happy ending for anyone. No point to this movie. We're supposed to believe that for however many years people have been going into this cave, disappearing and no one has ever thought to send in the National Guard or drop a bomb on the place. I mean, if all those skeletons were any indication of the people who had died, why wasn't the opening surrounded with enough automobiles to provide every person in China with transportation? The creatures didn't take them - the creatures couldn't even see.

So what - was there a used-car dealer somewhere in the middle of Appalachian mountains with killer deals on cars - literally?????????

My final thoughts: If you want to rent this, go ahead, but slit your wrists first


Colleen Gleason said...

LOL!!! That's how I felt when I watched Barnyard with my kids last summer...and Failure to Launch was a close second.

Thanks for the review!

Jana DeLeon said...

Yeah, it's a real bummer when you feel like you wasted your life on such a stinker.

Cindy Taylor said...

Oh crud. Failure to Launch is next on my Netflix cue. In fact, I think it's already been sent.

Thanks for the heads up on The Descent. I considered going to see this, as the storyline seemed pretty interesting. Guess I'll spend my money on something else.

Kimber An said...

Thanks for the review. I already a feeling about that one and you confirmed it.

On the bright side, I just 'sold' two more 'Rumbles.' One lady on my blog and one responding to my comment on Dear Author said they were going to get their own copies!

Seems to me word-of-mouth (or blog) works extremely well with marketing. I'm learning a lot!

Jana DeLeon said...

Cindy - I haven't seen FTL either and now I'm not going to. Thanks for the warning, Colleen!

kimber - Thanks so much for being such a salesperson. And you're absolutely right about word of mouth. Technically speaking, it's really the only way books get sold. Some are just faster because the word comes out of someone famous' mouth (Kelly Rippa). I have been very fortunate to have such good friends and happy readers spreading the word.

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