I Couldn't Help Myself

So normally I wouldn't post jokes circling the internet, but darn it, this one could appear in one of my books. Too funny.

Special Forces!

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces.


These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma,Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

I was laughing hard enough when it said they didn't like Jesus, but the Dale Earnhardt line clenched it.

A New Me

Okay, I've turned over a new leaf - I swear. There is going to be a new Jana or an old dead one. So here's the things I've decided to do:

1. I changed my work schedule from 7:30-4:00 to 8:30-5:30. Of course, when I'm on the road, this is different, but this is for in-town office hours. I am an early riser and hoped that the getting home a couple of hours before my husband would allow me writing time in the afternoon. Unfortunately, I have decided that I am not a good afternoon writer. I tend to be too tired and too distracted by the time I get home and then accomplish nothing. My writing time has always been in the morning but at the old job I didn't have to be at work until 10:00. So I'm back to morning writing time. AND I'm back to writing at a diner. I wrote RUMBLE at a diner and that's the environment I enjoy - lots and lots of available coffee.

So, I got up this morning, got ready for work, headed out to the diner and got in an hour's writing time before shoveling in breakfast. And the best part - I got four pages written!!!! Now, it might not sound like much, but since I'd only managed one Monday-Thursday (and it wasn't even that good), four is huge! Plus, bear in mind that I haven't been writing regularly in over a year and only semi-regularly this summer (while writing proposal). So I'm a bit rusty, but I think I'll be fine.

2. I am changing my diet. Damn it, I am tired of being tired - and fat - shopping is far less fun when you can't wear anything or they don't make anything cute in your size. So since everything in life needs a goal, here is my goal. I am pretty sure I will be attending the RT Convention next April. By then I want to be 50 pounds lighter. And don't get started on losing weight fast - I have plenty to loose and that's no where near the max of 3.5 pounds/week. Of course, by RWA National, I want to be invisible. :)

So there it is - I know, it's only two items, but they're big items (especially #2). I mean, I could go on to say "I'm going to exercise" or "I'm going to remove my makeup before bedtime" but I don't want to sound crazy.

Energy Foods

I have a problem - I don't want to stay awake. Now, I know a lot of it is simply because I'm rushing here and there, doing five billion things and I probably need a break. But a break is not in the foreseable future, so we're not even going to discuss it.

The biggest problem I've had lately is wanting to fall asleep after lunch. Granted, I'm usually bored after lunch too. If I'm not training a class then I'm either in class or running a manual on a class. Running manuals is as exciting as watching grass grow. And I'll let you in on a little secret - trainers are some of the worst students - at least I am. I hate being in class even though it is a necessary evil. I was the girl that skipped most of college class in favor of playing pool. Hey, I won a pool tournament and still graduated with excellent grades so what did it hurt?

So lately, about an hour after lunch I am ready to crash. I have found that a Starbucks Venti-NonFat-Seven Pump-Four Shot-Vanilla Latte seems to pick me up a bit, but heck four shots of espresso in one drink ought to have me thinking I could fly.

So am I eating the wrong food for lunch? Wait a minute, don't answer that. Of course, I'm eating the wrong food for lunch. But what in the world does one eat for energy? And before you healthy people start spouting out your advice, here is a list of requirements for my food:

1. It has to be something I don't have to prepare. Either I buy it at a restaurant or it microwaves in a box. I do not have time to prepare food. Period. And if I'm traveling, it has to come from a restaurant.

2. It cannot consist primarily of vegetables (so salad is out). I do not like vegetables. Only a tiny bit of lettuce and broccolli (and only if it's little) will be eaten. Vegetables cooked into food are all right but only if chopped in small pieces and disguised with sauce.

3. It must last a minimum of 4.5 to 5 hours. I know when you're eating "right" you are supposed to eat more often. That's great, but I don't think my students would appreciate it if I stopped class to gnaw on a chicken breast. So the meal has to take me from lunch all the way to supper.

4. Whatever I eat cannot require tons of water for digestion. See #3. I cannot drink 40 gallons of water a day. I am teaching class. We break once in the morning and once in the afternoon. I know from experience that if I drink the requisite amount of water a day, I make a trip to the ladies a minimum of once an hour. Not do-able.

5. It has to have flavor. If it didn't, I'd simply buy SlimFast shakes and drink my meals all day. (Salt is a requirement - I'm from Louisiana - we have our standards)

6. It cannot smell funny. When I am at corporate, I eat at my desk so that I can work on my writing through lunch. My desk consists of a 10x10 cubicle with four foot walls in a huge area with about 60 other people. They would not appreciate it if I nuked tuna and waltzed through the department with it.

Did I make it hard enough?????? Well, let me also add that I don't eat sour cream, cottage cheese, mayanaise or musturd. I can also only tolerate so much fruit daily (and only certain kinds) because I have an ulcer and fruit is too acidic.

Ready - set - go! Plan me a diet - please!

Movie in Review

So after my "big" trip home to Louisiana, I arrived back home on Sunday not wanting to do a darn thing that required energy. Well, it took a little energy to put on decent clothes and go to the movie, but I'm glad we did. We saw The Prestige. It was pretty darn good for me and excellent for most other movie goers. Why the difference, you say. Well, I have this rather annoying habit of figuring out the twists and turns of plots before the writer intended me to. I can't help it - I write psuedo mysteries, for God's sake. I'm always looking for misdirection. So about half-way through I'd figured out the two main plot twists, but it didn't stop me from loving the movie. My husband, who is a huge movie buff and no slouch himself, didn't "get" the two main twists until I pointed them out so that's why I say it was pretty darn good for me and will be excellent for most other watchers.

The plot centers around two magicians (pre-1900) and the competition they get into (over personal reasons) to find the best trick and outdo each other. Sounds simple, but trust me, this movie had it all - liars, secrets, twists, plot turns, death, love - everything that makes a great movie. The acting was superb, but then who doesn't love Hugh Jackman and Christina Bale? Not to mention that neither are hard on the eyes. And let's not forget the huge talent of Sir Michael Caine.

It's not The Usual Suspects, but it's damn good!