Dieting Round 2

Okay, so this has been one of those strange weeks. Got a lot accomplished on the writing front and attempted dieting round 2.

Started Atkins on Monday morning - quit Thursday night. Unfortunately, the Atkins and the tummy do NOT get along and the Jana doesn't have that much time to spend looking for restrooms in public places. The upside is I lost 6 pounds by Thursday morning so I guess it wasn't a total waste of time.

So I guess it's back to the low fat and smaller portions and less carbs. God, it hurts even saying "less carbs." Kind of takes the meaning out of life. So then I started thinking of all kinds of ways that people lose weight, then I thought about the term "lose weight" and I decided it really doesn't fit at all.

I mean, "losing" is usually something that's unintended or an accident at best. I mean, you lose car keys, you lose your cell phone - why exactly do we refer to taking the scales down a bit as "losing weight?" The word "losing" to me usually implies that I want the item found. Well, I can promise you, I don't want my weight found once it is lost. It's found me too many times before - and I think a couple of other people's has too.

Plus, it never seemed to me, even in the good times of a great diet plan, that weight was ever really lost. It more seemed to be lurking like a serial rapist outside an open window, peering in the mini blinds and waiting to assault my body all over again. Or perhaps it takes the form of the seductress - creamy chocolate or prime rib. Or even worse, what if weight is disguised as your buddy - you know, beer, wings and a Cowboys game on Monday night football? Gasp!

So I decided "losing" weight just wasn't permanent enough. So I needed something more definite. Then I thought of divorce. Well, it's sort of permanent, unless you have kids - then you're stuck with the a-hole forever. So divorce was out. It still allowed for reconciliation. And I actually know some weirdos that have divorced only to remarry. (huh?)

In the end, I decided the most permanent was to deal with weight was to have it declared legally dead. So that's it!

ATTENTION EVERYONE - I HEARBY DECLARE WEIGHT LEGALLY DEAD!

There will be no service and no tombstone will be erected. I thought about cremation, but then I'd just want to roast marshmellows over it..................