IT'S ALIVE!!!!!!!

Throw away the scales - Weight has returned!!!!!

It disguised itself very cleverly as Thanksgiving dinner. I know what you're thinking, and you're partially right - I ate the fried turkey, chicken dressing, sweet potatoes, baked beans, lima beans, rolls, fruit salad and cajun rice - that's all accurate.

BUT - we went to exercise after lunch. ME - exercising! My parents have a lovely park near their house with a trail around a pond and through the woods. And that's where Weight got sneaky. Here I was thinking I'd worked off part of lunch on lap one and was gearing up for lap two when Weight caused me to step halfway on-halfway off the path and my ankle snapped. Oh what a glorious sprain. Easily the size of a tennis ball sticking about an inch off of my ankle. So I soothed my wounded spirit (an ankle) with four layer pie.

See how sneaky????? Not only did Weight prevent me from working off lunch - it enticed me to four layer pie knowing good and well it will be weeks before I'll be able to exercise again.

Obviously, declaring Weight legally dead did not work. Evil has a way of returning.

Next tactic - exorcism - anyone know a good priest?

Dieting Round 2

Okay, so this has been one of those strange weeks. Got a lot accomplished on the writing front and attempted dieting round 2.

Started Atkins on Monday morning - quit Thursday night. Unfortunately, the Atkins and the tummy do NOT get along and the Jana doesn't have that much time to spend looking for restrooms in public places. The upside is I lost 6 pounds by Thursday morning so I guess it wasn't a total waste of time.

So I guess it's back to the low fat and smaller portions and less carbs. God, it hurts even saying "less carbs." Kind of takes the meaning out of life. So then I started thinking of all kinds of ways that people lose weight, then I thought about the term "lose weight" and I decided it really doesn't fit at all.

I mean, "losing" is usually something that's unintended or an accident at best. I mean, you lose car keys, you lose your cell phone - why exactly do we refer to taking the scales down a bit as "losing weight?" The word "losing" to me usually implies that I want the item found. Well, I can promise you, I don't want my weight found once it is lost. It's found me too many times before - and I think a couple of other people's has too.

Plus, it never seemed to me, even in the good times of a great diet plan, that weight was ever really lost. It more seemed to be lurking like a serial rapist outside an open window, peering in the mini blinds and waiting to assault my body all over again. Or perhaps it takes the form of the seductress - creamy chocolate or prime rib. Or even worse, what if weight is disguised as your buddy - you know, beer, wings and a Cowboys game on Monday night football? Gasp!

So I decided "losing" weight just wasn't permanent enough. So I needed something more definite. Then I thought of divorce. Well, it's sort of permanent, unless you have kids - then you're stuck with the a-hole forever. So divorce was out. It still allowed for reconciliation. And I actually know some weirdos that have divorced only to remarry. (huh?)

In the end, I decided the most permanent was to deal with weight was to have it declared legally dead. So that's it!

ATTENTION EVERYONE - I HEARBY DECLARE WEIGHT LEGALLY DEAD!

There will be no service and no tombstone will be erected. I thought about cremation, but then I'd just want to roast marshmellows over it..................

Retail Pet Peeve

Okay, so I'm a woman and I like to shop. Not that the two have to be related but in this case they are. There are two things that bother me lately and I'm wondering if I'm just getting old and crabby or if (god forbid) I'm right again.

First off, why does everyone want your phone number before they ring up a purchase and your email before they complete it. Apparently, one can't make a purchase any longer at certain stores unless they have a way to contact you. About what, exactly? It's not like a car purchase where they're going to give you a buzz and see if you're satisfied with the item. They're not going to call and suggest you bring the item in for maintenance. So why do they need my phone number in order for me to purchase something?

The email is even worse. I never give out my email. Wading through the piles of legitimate email and the illegitimate spam has already become a part time job. Why would I want more? Oh sure, they try to tempt you with the idea of discount coupons via email but what are they really peddling? I've been this route before. I think I can live without a 5% off coupon for a lattee on every second Tuesday with a full moon when I've purchased $50 or more in books.

The second problem I have is that of placing the receipt IN the shopping bag. I stand there every time - hand out, wallet open - and it does absolutely no good. I used to pick up the bag, shove the wallet under my arm and walk out struggling to retrieve the receipt and put it in my wallet before I got to the car. Don't know why I couldn't wait, but it must be some shopping law. Anyway, I've recently gone to standing there - hand out, open wallet - and making them retrieve the receipt from the bottom of the bag for me. I keep thinking they'll figure it out but so far, no luck. With this age of debit cards, why in the world would I want my receipt in the bottom of a bag where it will most likely get thrown away - thus causing two problems - one, my checkbook doesn't reflect the deduction and I don't have proof for the itemized sales tax deduction allowed for Texas this year. (I know, I know, but I'm an accountant, for Christ's sake)

Does this happen to you? Are people TRYING to make me stop shopping? What's next - your fingerprint for purchases and the sales clerk tosses your receipt in the trash?